What if My Kid Thinks Vaping is OK?

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I just saw an ad claiming that vaping is a safe way to quit using cigarettes. However, vaping is not a sure fire solution to quitting and has it’s own dangers. Recently we’ve seen some very scary illness, and even deaths, related to vaping. And, it’s not enough to teach our kids about the dangers when our kids are the direct targets of marketing for e-cigarettes, including the fun flavors offered.

Teens and tweens are excellent risk takers and it’s part of the magic of adolescence. We want them to try new things and go boldly into the unknown because this is part of their development and how they will learn. And, because of this excitement for adventure, they are understandably interested in experimentation, including with vaping. So it is our job to help educate them and send them toward their next experiment with information.

In the case of vaping and e cigarettes, while the research is still coming in, it is increasingly clear that there are serious health concerns associated with them. Still, while we need to share the risks and dangerous, we also need to share our hopes and concerns. The constant list of risks can become deafening. Try having a positive conversation about what you wish for your child and let the fears come up naturally. For example:

  • Do you know what I want most for you in this world?

  • Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?

  • The best lesson I ever learned when I took a risk was…

  • What do you think most concerns me about your safety?

Photo by  Luke Besley  on  Unsplash

Photo by Luke Besley on Unsplash

Be clear about your expectations and also be open to your child’s concerns and perspective. Refraining from the use of vaping and e cigarette products is the simplest and safest option of all for adolescents whose brains are still developing, but not every child will be able to say no to everything at every opportunity. We need to be realistic in our expectations, and to know that teens and tweens will be tempted many times in many ways. Vaping is just one more temptation and talking about it in the open will help them to come to their own conclusions.

Remember that decision-making is hard and that coming to good decisions consistently is a process. If you tell your child to simply “say no,” you are not arming him or her for a time when he/she might be tempted to say yes. Try role playing and reserving judgment. Don’t be afraid to share personal experiences as they may relate to cigarettes, alcohol, or drugs - and most importantly, let them know you’re there for them and will stand by them as they face potentially scary consequences.


For more on this topic, listen to Parenting Beyond the Headlines. In our most recent episode, we spoke with Stan Glantz, Professor of Medicine and Director of the UCSF Center for Tobacco Control Research and Education.

Supporting Kids with Phobias

It’s easy to say, “face your fear” but a fear can be truly paralyzing and kids can feel thrown into a situation that really sets them up for failure. Even just changing classes a few times a day can put undue pressure on some kids - so imagine facing public speaking, separation anxiety, discipline - if that’s your anxiety trigger - all the while maintaining your composure. And we don’t even always think about it in this context - some kids are even simply afraid to go to school. 

We hear about these challenges every day - from children being separated from their parents and being afraid to show up at school because they may be deported, to kids feeling anxious about a school shooting or even failing a class.

And then there are kids who are afraid of dogs, water, or bugs. These fears can be very difficult for families to deal with. So, how can we help our kids overcome them? Sarah Cody and I spoke with Brianna Benn-Mirandi, founder of Art and Soul Art Therapy on the latest episode of Parenting Beyond the Headlines.

Parenting Through Illness

Parenting presents many challenges, and parenting with an illness is a whole new level of hard. What might start as a normal every day toddler tantrum could explode into a puddle of tears from parent and child.

On the most recent episode of Parenting Beyond the Headlines, Sarah Cody and I spoke with Caryn Sullivan, Founder of Pretty Wellness, a movement about taking small steps toward better health. Caryn shared her own very personal story and also some practical advice. She has dedicated her personal and professional life to living well and helping others do the same.


The Importance of the Middle School Years

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We all have memories of middle school - the excitement, the transition, the challenges. Middle school is just that - in the middle. Our kids are caught between the fun and playful elementary years and adolescence, where they develop into their own independent adult selves. It seems like there are headlines left and right about cutting back on recess, the need for more critical thinking in curriculum, and the push for a later start time for school so kids can get more sleep.

So knowing we already need to find the balance between play, academics and sleep, we also find ourselves navigating new territory (both kids and parents) with regard to relationships, emotions, and responsibility.

So much happens in the middle school years - how can parents support the growth and development? How can we nurture the fun and exploration as we watch our little cherubs emerge into independent adults?

On our most recent episode of Parenting Beyond the Headlines we spoke with Teri Schrader, Head of School at Watkinson School, about the importance of these years. Listen to the full podcast to get a sense of what it is to live in the culture of middle school, the issues they face, and the opportunities the experience offers.

Metric Anxiety

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Metric Anxiety Defined

How many reposts/likes/shares/retweets did you get this week? As human beings, it’s natural to seek approval from society - and many tweens and teens crave it. However, when these types of metrics begin to affect your self-worth, confidence, and wellness, you may be suffering from something called Social Media Metric Anxiety;  an intense feeling of stress or discomfort based on how you perceive your level of popularity on platforms such as Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. You might be feeling it, and your tween or teen is likely feeling it too.

On average, we spend about two and a half hours per day on social media. These applications can be a valuable communication outlet used to connect with friends and family, potential customers, and those with similar interests. The harm comes when we become fixated on quantifying the attention our own posts receive  and equating them with our value as people. 

Social Media Currency

It can be easy to fall into the pattern of thinking, “I got X amount of likes and reactions on this post, it was a good day,” at any age. When we share our lives publicly – whether it’s vacation photos, career successes, parenting milestones, etc. – we want others to acknowledge and approve of our achievements. If we become too digitally invested in the numbers or “metrics” of a post, it may become easy to find ourselves missing out on the magic of those very real and fleeting moments when our focus is “what angle/caption/background will get the most likes?”.

Breaking the Cycle

The next time you find yourself checking alerts, tallying views, and looking for acknowledgement on social media, it may help to remind yourself of why a moment was special enough to begin with to want to share it.  The why is the most important factor after all. Recall the real emotion behind the post - was it joy, pride, sadness, reflection? 

Another solution is limiting your time on social media. If you are bored and find yourself gravitating towards your phone, pick up a book instead.  In lieu of opening your laptop, open the door and go outside. Create boundaries for yourself and your kids. And hold yourself accountable to your new routine!

If you frequently use social media, it is important to take a moment every now and then to assess how it makes you feel. Anxiety, low self-esteem, and stress are signs that you may need to limit your exposure. It can be hard to see it in your own behavior - make this a family conversation. And always remember that photos and status updates and witty captions are only one side of the story. YOU control your sense of self-worth. 

Conversation Starters

Consider talking with your kids directly. Be open to their ideas and suggestions:

  • Start by sharing your own experiences and concerns

  • How would you feel if you didn’t check your phone every day, hour, minute? Why? Should we try?

  • What would happen if you didn’t check every app every day?

  • Are there apps that make you anxious or you get excited about:

    • Do you dread checking any of them for fear of not getting the kind of response you were hoping for?

    • Do you get really excited about checking any of them?

  • Are there any apps we could try deleting to see how it goes?


Parenting Adults with Abilities

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In the last decade, we’ve seen the conversation about adults with disabilities shift and evolve.  What happens to our young adults with disabilities after they age out of the school system?  Thankfully, eyes are opening...and folks are realizing that - with a little assistance - these men and women can thrive - with jobs and independent living situations.

We are seeing an increase in support services and programs as well as in opportunities for continued employment. I know in my own home town, a mother of a child with disabilities just started a cafe where she employs people with disabilities.

On Parenting Beyond the Headlines, we talked with Helen Bosch, CEO, Vista Life Innovations, a full-service organization supporting individuals with disabilities throughout the various stages of life. Helen, discusses the work of Vista and the students there as well as offers some concrete examples. You can listen to the full podcast below or on iTunes.

Start Building Trust with Your Children Today

We all want to build that special relationship with our kids where whether they're celebrating, deliberating, or disappointed, they come to us to share in that experience. We want that trust with our kids, but trust doesn't build on its own. When parents want to build trust intentionally, it can be hard to know where to start. Consider: 

When have you built trust with your kids and how?, and 2) if you have not, what you can do to change that.

What Makes You Trust People or, Not?

Did you go to your parents when you needed to talk? Try to think back to the concerns and stresses you had when you were young. If you did go to your parents, why? When? If you didn't go to your parents for advice or to talk things through, why was that? Have you created similar barriers with your child? How might you start to break those barriers down? 

Acknowledgement Doesn't Equal Permissiveness

Teens and tweens are in a stage of pushing boundaries, learning about their own preferences, choice-making, and they're also experiencing strong emotions they may not be prepared to handle yet. The key is to impose appropriate consequences if your teen makes a bad or unsafe decision - and talk through the decision-making process. Sometimes the conversation is the appropriate consequence. Talk about alternatives or what healthy future choices might look like. Remember, we build trust through discussion, and it isn't a discussion if you don't equally listen and give a chance for response, disagreement, and compromise with your child. 

Photo by  Joe Yates  on  Unsplash

Photo by Joe Yates on Unsplash

What Does It Mean to Be A Trustworthy Person?

Another way of examining the type of environment you have created with your child is to analyze first on your own, what makes a person trustworthy? Ask your child what they consider makes someone trustworthy. Consider this list of characteristics:

  • empathetic

  • a good listener

  • honest

  • responsible

  • open

  • strong character

  • compassionate

Are you that person for your child? Point out the things you do intentionally to show them that they can trust you. If you identify areas in which you need to grow to be a more trustworthy person for your child, talk about that. For example, if you haven't been a good listener in the past, apologize and explain that you are working to be a better listener because you know that is important to a healthy relationship. 

How You React Matters

As parents, we each have unique personalities that react to situations differently. Part of building trust with your child is identifying how you are likely to respond in common situations, and finding ways to make sure that reaction is fair to your child. If you tend to react impulsively, give yourself a chance to pause and think through your response before committing to a stance on what your teen has brought up. If you tend to be quiet and struggle to contribute to conversations, practice modeling vulnerability, and openness. It can feel like a lot of pressure hearing that your reactions matter - but the reality is, you won't always react perfectly. What you can always do is apologize if you react in a way that hurts your child, and be vulnerable about how you plan to work on that response. 

You're Paving The Way for Future Healthy Relationships

Building trust with your children isn't just about you and them. When you model openness, pausing, active listening, apologizing, fairness, and trust, you're teaching your child what to look for in future friends and partners. 

Trust is a two-way street, so as you examine your current relationship with your child and think about plans to improve, involve them in that process. Sometimes just being open to ideas and sharing is enough. For example, you could say something like, "I read a blog today about building trust and how important it is to build with your kids. It gave me some ideas of ways we could communicate better and trust each other more." 

What are you currently doing to build trust? What’s working? What’s not?